The Vegan

Please don't feed my soybeans
To a fat bovine
I think that eating meat is mean
But legumes I find divine

Please don't give my spinach away
To a bunch of rabbits
I need my greens every single day
It's becoming quite a habit

Please don't put that dairy cream
In my cup of java
I find the very idea obscene
I'd rather drink hot lava

Please don't cut my potatoes up
Don't put them in that oil
I adore the flavor of ketchup
But I prefer my French fries boiled

Wastebaskets

When I emptied wastebaskets on the weekend
I was quite consistent
Temptation might say, "Relax, my friend,"
But I could be resistant.

But then I got a bright idea:
I'll do it Monday night
Just before the trashmen come
With Tuesday's early light

Now I skip them on the weekend
And forget them Monday night
When the trashmen come on Tuesday,
The wastebaskets still are tight.

So the next week's load is twice as great
As ever it should be
And when I want to whine and moan,
There's no one to blame but me.

Cowboy Joe

Cowboy Joe made a trip to the city
To see the sights from nitty to gritty.
He did it all, even went to church
And back at home, told his buddy, Murch:

"I parked my pickup in the corral..."
"You mean," said Murch, "The parking lot, Pal."
Joe allowed as how Murch might be right,
"Inside was a dude who told me where to light."

Murch said, "That would be the usher.
"He tells you where to sit and if you talk he'll shushyer."
Joe said, "Right again. He took me down the chute..."
"You mean the aisle," said Murch with style and called Joe a galoot.

"I'm sure you know," said Cowboy Joe, "He pointed out a trough
"And said sit there, and so I did." Murch stifled back a cough.
"That warn't no trough, you knucklehead. That's what they call a pew."
Said Cowboy Joe, "How did you know? My seatmate said that, too."

Of all the things...

Of all the things that have been suggested,
The strangest is food that can't be digested.

Meeting life in a masterly manner is mostly a matter of morale management.

Feeling Shy

Before I read you my virgin verse,
You have to promise to like it first.

Feeling fat

I'm feeling fat
And there's a reason for that
    Though I don't really like to admit it.

I've been eating too much
Of cookies and such
    And I'm going to have to quit it.

Political signs

Political signs, political signs
   As far as the eye can see,
Political signs in crooked lines
   Obscure the scenery.

We certainly need a solution.
   We have to draw the line
On the visual pollution
   Of multiplying political signs.

Perhaps each could make a note
   Of every name that he sees
And then simply refuse to vote
   For political advertizees.

How long would it take them to understand
   To finally toe the line
And stop covering our beautiful land
   With blasted political signs?

Fishing for compliments in a barrel

Ogden Nash is my poetic hero
    Compared to him, I feel like a zero.
And then there are the ones who are smart mathematically -- 
    I envy them pathepatically.
And successful writers of fictional prose
    I covet the skills of all of those.

Spam

We get lots of mail in lots of pieces
Cause lots of spammers want to fleeceus.
Spammers, e-, and spammers, snail,
All try to fleece us through the mail.