If at first...

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again

Even if it makes you bleed, try, try again

Through the brush and through the weeds, try, try again

There's never enough if you're driven by greed, so try, try again

Oh, I am the lazy butt slacker

Oh, I am the lazy butt slacker
I slack all the time, as much as I can
You'll very few as lazy as me
Cause I am the lazy butt slacker man

Miss Communication

Miss Communication is a lady of renown
She visits all over through country and town
We believe with her help our information is hot
But because of her presence, we discover it's not

Greens

Greens with my breakfast, greens with my lunch
Greens for supper, greens to munch

Greens up my nose, greens in my hair
Everywhere I look, I find greens there

Greens are healthy, greens are good
Greens full of vitamins and minerals too

Greens fill me up, greens slim me down
Greens make me sharp-dressed all around the town

Greens are the greatest, greens are da bomb
Greens are best, greens are yum!

Our eating keeps making us ill
While we think that the cure is a pill
We'd better get smart
And eat for our hearts
Cause no one can cover the bill

Those of us
Who are iniquitous
Are ubiquitous

Iniquity?
Ubiquity!

Sorrowful Haiku

mourning dove calling
happily waking me up
mourning the morning

Mother-in-law

Dear lady mother of my wife
Do you know how you enhanced my life
When you gave birth to your daughter?

My heart is filled with gratitude
And so with humble attitude
Let me thank you as I oughter

We've made it safe through one verse
So before I make it any worse
I'll wind this up directly.

I thank my mother for my life
I thank Theresa for my wife
And close circumspectly.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day comes once a year,
A chance to tell you, Mother, dear
How very dear you are.

A day to toast and celebrate you,
A day to feast and felicitate you,
To serenade you with guitar.

And so I wrote this not-a-sonnet
Delivered with some flowers on it
I hope they're up to par.

May your day be unforgettable,
Filled with memories unregrettable.
May all you want be oh-so-gettable,
And your sky be filled with stars.

The Streak

A young man who once took up streaking
Disregarded everyone's shrieking
   Approached by a cop
   And ordered to stop,
He strake on without even speaking.

Pleasure and Pain

All sensation
Is information

Signs

The sign said, "TRUCKS ENTERING HWY."

I wondered, "HWY?"

I saw a sign

I saw a sign that said,
"Visit Breath-Taking Ruby Falls!"

So I did, and my breath was taken.
Now I don't breathe, but gasp

      at everything.

Non-haiku

Short attention span
Easily distracted from
The matter at ...

The Vegan

Please don't feed my soybeans
To a fat bovine
I think that eating meat is mean
But legumes I find divine

Please don't give my spinach away
To a bunch of rabbits
I need my greens every single day
It's becoming quite a habit

Please don't put that dairy cream
In my cup of java
I find the very idea obscene
I'd rather drink hot lava

Please don't cut my potatoes up
Don't put them in that oil
I adore the flavor of ketchup
But I prefer my French fries boiled

Wastebaskets

When I emptied wastebaskets on the weekend
I was quite consistent
Temptation might say, "Relax, my friend,"
But I could be resistant.

But then I got a bright idea:
I'll do it Monday night
Just before the trashmen come
With Tuesday's early light

Now I skip them on the weekend
And forget them Monday night
When the trashmen come on Tuesday,
The wastebaskets still are tight.

So the next week's load is twice as great
As ever it should be
And when I want to whine and moan,
There's no one to blame but me.

Cowboy Joe

Cowboy Joe made a trip to the city
To see the sights from nitty to gritty.
He did it all, even went to church
And back at home, told his buddy, Murch:

"I parked my pickup in the corral..."
"You mean," said Murch, "The parking lot, Pal."
Joe allowed as how Murch might be right,
"Inside was a dude who told me where to light."

Murch said, "That would be the usher.
"He tells you where to sit and if you talk he'll shushyer."
Joe said, "Right again. He took me down the chute..."
"You mean the aisle," said Murch with style and called Joe a galoot.

"I'm sure you know," said Cowboy Joe, "He pointed out a trough
"And said sit there, and so I did." Murch stifled back a cough.
"That warn't no trough, you knucklehead. That's what they call a pew."
Said Cowboy Joe, "How did you know? My seatmate said that, too."

Of all the things...

Of all the things that have been suggested,
The strangest is food that can't be digested.

Meeting life in a masterly manner is mostly a matter of morale management.